Photo By Alex Harvey
Oh lord it’s happening. I mean, I’ve written about this before. I’m getting old. Obviously. Everyone is. But like I’m getting old really quickly. Prematurely, you might say. And honestly, it’s tragic.
Sometimes I think my body got a little bit confused with what is what supposed to be doing, ie. growing up normally. Instead of getting breasts and all that fun stuff like a regular human being I think my body decided to miss puberty all together and launch me straight into early-onset menopause at 18.
Anyway, below I detail my rapid decline into eldership and highlight how you too can learn to (barely) survive your very own Extreme Makeover: Grandma Edition.
1. Embrace the greys
You might recognise from the hit tv show “Does She Realise Her Regrowth is That Bad?”. It’s no lie – I have terrible hair due to the fact that I a) want to cut and colour it regularly but b) am unwillingly to actually fork out the money for a quality hairdresser and just use *gasp* dye from a box. Anyway, I’ve been dying my hair since I was about 14 and so I’m not really sure when I got my first white hair (not grey, WHITE). But recently I asked my boyfriend to try and get any white hairs at the back of my head I couldn’t reach. I am shocked and unsettled to report that he found 37 WHITE HAIRS. THIRTY-FLIPPING-SEVEN (and yes, it was an amazing bonding experience, cheers for asking). It’s basically a slippery slope from here. I’ve also found wiry white hairs in my eyebrows and eyelashes. I shudder to think in which region of my body I’ll find one next. So yep, if anyone is looking for a Mrs. Claus impersonator, I’m your gal.
2. Just get Botox
As some of you know I recently welcomed a little ball of cuteness into my life. No, my parents didn’t finally cave in and get me a cat. Instead, they decided to get me a little baby brother. On the day of his birth, I was driving alone, on my way to the hospital to meet said baby brother for the very first time. As I was stopped at the lights, I looked in my rear vision mirror and noticed THE BIGGEST FLIPPING FROWN LINE OF MY LIFE above my right eye. Perfect, he’s not a day old and here I am, his big sister, contemplating spending a small fortune on dermal fillers to make me look 18 again. To make matters worse, both of my mums have pretty much flawless skin with 0% chance of fine lines ever. Rip my face.
3. Go to bed early
It turns out, I also can’t keep my eyes open in the evenings. After spending countless days, weeks and months apart, my Mexican lover and I could barely wait to go to my room and do what we’d we’d been wanting to do for a long time – watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1, uninterrupted. Unfortunately, our date with the Chosen One was rudely interrupted multiple times by me, snoring. It took us three whole nights to finish the cinematic masterpiece, simply because I couldn’t keep my bloody eyes open past 9pm. Who am I kidding, I’m gonna have to start having my main meal at lunch time and going to matinees. Good thing I didn’t have a social life in the first place.
Anyway, now you’ve heard the latest episode in the x factor sob story that is my life, I’m gonna spend the night googling how to freeze my own eggs before it’s too late, in an attempt to preserve whatever shred of my dignity (and youth) I have left. Enjoy it while it lasts kids…