Photo by Caleb George
*or at least of the past 4 years
I feel like right now is the golden age of celebrity comebacks. I mean, sure 2017 is also going to be greatly defined by the fact that Trump is ruining America and people still don’t think climate change is a thing and Jay Z cheated on Beyonce but I think that’s why it’s more important than ever to focus on the good things in life. Like the fact that Miley and Liam are back together, and everything is right with the world again.
So here it is, the world’s greatest, if not most limited, and completely not based on any real fact, except for my own opinion, definitive ranking of the greatest celebrity comebacks of all time.
The sky actually is more blue because Miley Cyrus has stopped drinking from glittery bottles and smoking herbs and generally just acting like that weird step-cousin no one in your family talks about but that you stalk ferociously on social media. I’m so glad she’s finally released she can have the very best of both worlds (those worlds being Liam of course, fame). Malibu honestly brings me so much joy because really Miley and my life have many parallels. We both found fame at a very young age; her as a world-wide superstar disguised as a regular high school student, me with my foot in the QANTAS ad. We’ve also both had a history with drugs; her obviously a lengthy affair with marijuana (that took me so long to spell correctly) and me because of that one time I messaged my Dad asking if it was possible to get second hand high because I stood next to someone smoking once in Amsterdam, and then later that night I had a scary nightmare. Like I said, we’re very similar. Anyway my heart is just so full and happy that Miley is back. Life is what you make it, and Miley is making it rock (sort of, I mean she’s gone back to more country now.)
2. Paris Hilton
Okay so I’d basically forgotten this Kim Kardashian overlord/heiress even existed until I saw this video the other day. I mean didn’t Paris go to jail at some point. And there was that whole ‘I’m a singer phase’ that didn’t turn out so great. I mean to be honest I just assumed she was holed-up in some mansion with that ridiculous dog Tinkerbell of hers. I mean, judging by the video, that’s pretty much exactly what she’s been up to. Except now all of a sudden she’s bloody hilarious (and also really hot, but then I guess I would be too if my Dad owned that many hotels). Paris, I’m liking everything you’re giving me at the moment. I’d love to see you go on to greater things. Maybe she’ll be Kim Kardashian’s surrogate. Only time will tell…
3. Hilary Duff
My og celeb obsession. My namesake (Lizzie Maguire not hilary obvs.) I like to think her fateful meeting with Moy and I almost three years ago had something to do with this girls comeback. I mean, it’s not like she ever crashed and burned or anything, she just sort of went quite, and then had that weird threesome with gossip girl and
the world’s most annoying TV character Vanessa (spoilers, whoops) and then she was married or maybe divorced and she’s got a baby. But I feel like she’s back with that new TV show that’s low-key amazing (I’ve not watched it, but i’ve heard it’s good so that counts for something). Her Insta is so fun because it’s like ooh I’m a wholesome Mum look i’m making cookies but also look, I’m Hilary Duff I’m still stunning and the ex-star of the greatest Disney show ever made. What a woman. You’re welcome Hilary for all the extra-popularity Moy and I have brought you. You. Are. Welcome.
Now while I’m being so passive aggressive I might as well go full Simon Cowell and let you know the celebs who in my opinion could really do with a good comeback.
1. Amanda Bynes
She is not the man. In fact, I’m not quite sure what she is at the moment. I’m going to file this under child star who should have stuck to making fantastic chick flicks instead of
allegedly throwing bongs out of car windows and getting cheek piercings. Amanda, we need you back.
2. Myself God, I feel like I’m in the Britney’s 2008 of my life sometimes. I’ve been craving a doughnut for the better part of two weeks and while that might not seem so bad, I don’t even have the motivation to go and buy one, let alone UberEats it because i’d feel like a failure. It’s been rough. Send help. or doughnuts.
3. Katy Perry, i feel like i don’t need to say anything else here, this pretty much speaks for itself.
Side note: I asked all two of my friends who they wanted to see have a Miley-esque comeback and the only reply I got was “I WANT A PROPER GOD DAMN HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL REUNION,” so there’s that too.
Anyway, I’m gonna go play on a beach and think about how in love with Liam Hemsworth I am and how I’ve never actually been to Malibu.