Photo by Frances Gunn
For those of you who don’t know I’ve spent the last three weeks living the highlife in Australia’s
greatest most pretentious city, Sydney. Except of course I a) wasn’t actually living the highlife because I was staying in a backpacker’s hostel/brothel run by what appeared to be the cast of Geordie Shore and b) Melbourne is obviously Australia’s greatest city.
1. Get yourself a Trophy Husband
He’s probably from the Upper North Shore or something like that. His family most likely own a handful of luxury properties in places like Toorak and the Mornington Peninsula. He wears velour suit jackets on a regular basis. Anyway, this completely hypothetical 22-year-old boy who studies business and law and drives an Audi TT will be your unofficial tour guide in Sydney. He’ll take you to all the places you can’t google (or afford) and open the door for you each time by saying “Welcome….to Sydney” like he’s being filmed for a QANTAS commercial. He’ll ask the waiter at the Thor-themed restaurant if he can buy the cutlery you’re using. He’ll then tell you all about his plans to travel to Africa and do aid work because it’s quote “so important to give back to the people”. Anyway, he is the key to looking the part (the part here being a Sydney-sider.)
By the way if you’re thinking this hypothetical boy sounds familiar then you’re right. You might remember my Sydney trophy husband AKA #FerrariCalifornia from highly critically acclaimed literary works such as, “That one time I went on Contiki“ by me.
2. Nourish Yourself
Obviously it’s not just about who you know but also about what filter you use on your Insta. A trip to Sydney isn’t really a trip to Sydney if you don’t put up at least two photos of yourself eating brunch and drinking sub-par coffee during primetime every night. Hunt down insta-worthy places that serve insta-worthy meals that cost ridiculous amounts of money. I mean these days you can pretty much blend anything, add pomegranate seeds and edible flowers and voilà. Nourish bowls are great because really they’re just wanky salad and are great value for money because there’s absolutely no way I could go out and buy quinoa, avocado and hummus for under $30 from woolies. smoothie bowls are great too. Make sure it’s brightly coloured so you can get a great photo and then shit bright blue for the next three days.
3. Drink things you can’t afford at Rooftop Bars
It’s really hard when someone (your trophy husband) is buying you a drink and they ask you what you like. Because to be completely honest I like the 2016 cleanskin white wine from my air bnb. But when you’re out (and someone else is paying) it’s good to be adventurous with drinks. Order a fancy cocktail with some sort of pyrotechnic element. I had the classic “let me set this on fire and burn all the alcohol out of it” one. And the “i’ll put a glass dome on it and then pour dry ice from a copper pot onto it to distract from the fact that you just spent a small fortune on a drink that tastes pretty much like milo.” At least they make good boomerangs. Also, remember it’s frowned upon to ask the bartender what the cheapest drink with the highest alcohol content is, so if in doubt just get the $14 rosé.
4. Celebrate at the Grounds
Oh the Grounds of Alexandria otherwise known as the world’s greatest place to pretend your a famous instagrammer whilst at the same time planning your Gatsby-inspired winter wedding. For flowers, pretentious donuts and rose lemonade, this is definitely the place to be. Pretend you stumbled upon it just like the 3342 other people there and then walk around like you have a film crew following you. There’s lots of space so it’s really good for functions. Consider hosting a function here. Like a 1st birthday. Perfect for their over-priced menu and extensive wine list. Remember to take photos in front of the fountain so people think you’re in Paris when in reality you’re in the middle of an industrial park in a side-suburb of arguably the most over-rated city in Australia.
5. Pretend Bondi is actually good
Hmmm Bondi. It’s a love-hate relationship. Just like how #FerrariCalifornia loves me and I hate him. Kidding. Sort of. You’ve got to go, but preferably on a day when it’s not pissing down. Don’t spend too long there because you’ll look too much like a tourist and not the high class elitist you are. Take a standard Icebergs photo, hike to Coogee and get yourself a drink at the Pavilion before you realise it’s just another beach and you’ve wasted a perfectly good day that could have been spent somewhere less cliché like Opera Bar. I hear the harbour there sounds like diamonds.
Yep, that’s basically as pretentious as it gets. Of course, I make #FerrariCalifornia sound like the male equivalent of Jaime Private School Girl. He’s surprisingly less shallow than that. Only just though. So If you’re looking for someone to help organise the greatest weekend of your life in Sydney, I would highly recommend him as a professional party planner. Or you could always spend your time being pompous somewhere actually half nice……like Melbourne.