Burg-alicious

Photo by Moy

Today is arguably the second most important day on the calendar (after my birthday, obvs) – it’s National Burger Day. I don’t know which burger elitist coined the day, but he/she appeared to have forgotten to alert the Government because it’s not a public holiday yet???

In honour of this special day, One Fine Morning will put on its Buzzfeed-esque hat and ask the question … what burger do you emotionally, physically and spiritually identify with?

1 – The classic cheeseburger 

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This is the classic beef + cheese + tomato sauce + pickles combo.

You’re the straighty-180 of your friendship group. You don’t like any nonsense or fuffing about – you know what works and you go for it. You probably drive a Suzuki Swift and wear sunscreen under your makeup. Your favourite artist is Ed Sheeran and Taylor Swift. Snapchat filters are used sparingly, but when they are used, dang you look on point. You’re blunt and straight to the point, and hate excessive filters on Instagram. You also always host a good pre’s before a night out.

2 – The double bacon and cheese 

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The enticing combination of double beef patties + crispy bacon + cheese.

Here, you are a father of 2 and wish to prove your masculinity by upping your meat intake with two beef patties AND bacon. You enjoy a good Gazman jumper and a casual bike ride on Sunday morning. You always think you can convincingly conquer the two meat patties, but towards the end you always struggle and need some help. Work is going ok, but the most stressful thing right now if that you’re slowly developing thin patches of hair and you reaaaaaally don’t want to call Ashley and Martin.

3 – The BLT 

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This is the all in – bacon, lettuce, tomato, egg, meat and all the other zesty extras.

You’re dedicated to the burger, much like you’re dedicated to the gym. Everything is INTENSE and you’ve recently discovered podcasts which you really enjoy. You’re confident, strongly spoken and enjoy Gold 104.3 on the radio. You like the BLT burger because it includes all your favourites and you don’t need to make a decision. Your favourite shop is Target and your drink of choice is a cider. You also don’t believe in napkins.

4 – The chicken burger 

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This is a deviance from the classic beef burger, and includes a chicken breast + onion + tomato + condiments.

You’re the classic girl who says they love a good burger, but will steal your fries for a good Insta because you don’t want to order your own. You’ll eat halfway and then say you’re ‘soo full’ because you’re watching your figure. You enjoy Windsor Smith boots and Sportsgirl knitted jumpers. For your birthday you received a Mimco pouch and some Pandora rings. Your biggest goal in life is to be able to properly apply fake tan without looking like a soggy microwaved Dorito.

5 – The vegan burger with a falafel patty and lettuce bun

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This is pretty self-explanatory and I also don’t want to type out this combination of burger because it’s offensive.

You’re the Steph Claire Smith’s of the world and will swap out the brioche bun for two cups of crunchy water. You deserve to be exiled to seriously consider your decisions about life. It’s not the veganism that people take offence to – it’s the fact you still proclaim to ‘love a good burger every now and then’. You come to eat burgers in your active wear, however, we all know you’re going to go home and smash some Cadbury chocolate. Please go and buy a mirror and take a long, hard look at yourself.

6 – The cronut burger with extra cheese 

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NB: I KNOW this isn’t a cronut, but you try finding a photo of a burger with a cronut as a bun. Not everywhere is as ‘advanced’ as Melbourne is. 

This burger swaps out the bread for cronuts, and has extra toppings and two slices of cheddar cheese.

You’re unsatisfied with your life achievements thus far and attempt to compensate by proving you can eat this burger without developing a heart disease. You don’t fear throwing up or feeling sick, because what else is there left to lose? You aim to find social acceptance by your fearful eating skills. However, you still live at home and enjoy playing with your cat, Tabitha. You recently broke up with your long-term partner and have developed a weird Beanie Kids obsession to fill the hole in your heart.

So which burger are you??

Obviously, I am Steve, the father of 2 because I love a good double bacon and cheese. Probably without that extra patty though because I do have a side of the 4, the chicken burger, within me.

-Moy

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