Photo by Alexander Dummer
*Cue Matthew McConaughey singing Carly Simon’s You’re So Vain.*
If you hadn’t noticed, I really like being the centre of attention. Like, a lot. A lot a lot. I’m an attention seeker. So on Friday I came home to find a parcel addressed to me. I couldn’t remember having a recent overnight online shopping meltdown, so I had no idea what was in the parcel. I could not have prepared myself for what I found.
A GIANT BLANKET WITH 16 PHOTOS OF MY FACE ON IT.
Wow. Just when I thought I couldn’t love myself any more. The fact that my friends know the best birthday present idea was to just give me photos of myself (printed on a very cuddly blanket, I might add) goes to show just how much of a narcissist I really am.
Putting my face on branded merchandise. Pure genius. It’s me in a nutshell. Or just in a blanket…
Anyway here’s my top tips on how to be absolutely obsessed with yourself.
1. Multiple social media accounts.
I have five Instagrams. This is not an exaggeration. I mean given, some of them are for work. But still, each is an opportunity to tell the world more about yourself. It’s the only way you’ll ever fulfil your lifelong dream of becoming of becoming
unemployed a social media influencer. Act like you have your own reality show. Force everyone to take LANDSCAPE photos of you. People love this. You’ve really got to oversell yourself. And if that means starting a new Insta solely for the purpose of posting inspiration Lorna Jane quotes like “just start” and “remember to smile” and other bullshit life-changing messages like that, then do it.
2. Act like you’re better than everybody else.
Did I mention I’m from Melbourne? Or that I was in the QANTAS ad? The only way to truly rise above the peasants around you is to treat them lie absolute scum. Pretend other shoppers work in the store and order them around. Always send your meal back because it “feels like it was touching meat”. Ask if they have sparkling water. Sparkling water is posh. Last but not least, don’t make time for anyone. Not even your friends. That’s a sign of weakness. Make them drive out of their way to see you, even though it’s a real inconvenience. Your time is a precious commodity, people should be lucky just to have you accept their friend request.
3. Exaggerate EVERYTHING.
What I really like about running a blog is being able to tell ridiculous stories about my life and then have people tell me “OMG, your life is so interesting, nothing ever happens to me.” News flash, me flipping either. But I work with what I’ve got, and then I multiply the intensity of everything 1000x. Story about how your fire alarm once went off while you were in the shower? Tell them you once had to be rescued naked by a team of Italian firemen. Tell them about the
actual hurricane you once endured to get Ben and Jerry’s. Or about the time your ex won Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. Oh wait. That actually just happened. Ugh.
4. Be an over-sharer.
Repeat after me, there is no such thing as too much information. I mean, isn’t that why this blog was made in the first place? To tell more people things they don’t want to know about my overwhelmingly mediocre life. Always direct the conversation back to you. Tell them how you’re from Melbourne. Tell them you were in the QANTAS ad. Tell them about your recent vagina surgery (yep, that’s a thing). Tell them about your hot Sri Lankan boyfriend even though they definitely did not ask.
5. Accept your condition.
Seriously though, admitting I was a narcissist did wonders for my ego. Once you admit that you are indeed selfish and attention-seeking, people don’t seem to judge you as much. At least you know your weaknesses. I admit my flaws all the time. I tell everyone how arrogant I am and how narcissistic I am. People like that because they think it’s a sign of honesty, or even better; insecurity. They start to think, “maybe she’s not that bad…” But the jokes on them. Every second we spend talking about my flaws is still a second talking about me. Admitting you’re a narcissist only seeks to fuel that narcissism further. The vicious cycle continues. Narcissists always win.
Last but no least, in the words of Australian darling and my unofficial spirit guide Lee Lin Chin:
“You’re all obsessed with me and I totally get it. You’re welcome for my presence.”
ps. Don’t forget the three magic S’s: Selfishness, Shamelessness and Self Promotion.
pps. please follow me