Photo by Hans Vivek
As a daughter, there are few days you cherish with your mum – such as when you first get your license and have absolute freedom; and then there are those days that go down in the history books forever – such as when your mum says that trigger sentence: “let’s make an Instagram account for me!”
Here are the 7 stages of making an Instagram account for your mum, as they happened to me.
Stage 1: The request
My big moment happened on Sunday night. Now, let me preface this by saying my mother is an absolute noob when it comes to social media. She’s the type of person who zoomed in on a girl from school’s insta post from 187 weeks back just to “see her outfit” and was curious why a red love heart kept popping up??!!?? (to my horror, a) I haven’t spoken to this person for years and b) she literally kept liking and unliking the post trying to zoom in. It was tragic.)
So letting her get Instagram was iffy, at best. But alas, like a good daughter, I went about and set up her Insta.
Stage 2: The privacy panic attack
“NO don’t use my real name in my username! I don’t want people to find me!!”
To counteract this problem, she offered the username of @kangaroomum for reasons I am unsure about. We’re not kangaroos enthusiasts, nor do we eat it, nor do we have one….?
Stage 3: The bio
This was followed up by the absolute debacle of what to write in her bio (which, for the record, is still untouched. It is too contentious of a topic).
“Hm…make it ‘whatever'”. – um no mum, you’re already sassy enough, you don’t need to be even sassier thnx.
“Ok what about, ‘be free to do what you want'”. – this also got vetoed because I wasn’t going to allow my mum to be an online version of the tacky “dream, love, believe”signs we all hung over our beds in Year 6.
Stage 4: The first post
After settling the basics, we posted her first photo which actually went off without a hitch until we got the ‘caption’ part and all hell broke loose over the emojis. I lightly suggested adding an emoji to spruce up her caption, which was met with overwhelming enthusiasm. She then proceeded to hit every single emoji under the ‘food’ caption. Mind you, her first post was a picture of a coffee, and she thought it was relevant and required to include the red wine emoji. Once she rounded off her 9283 emojis with a nice exclamation point (!), I then told her to hit ‘share’ and her viral fame would begin. However, this was hindered as she frantically looked and couldn’t see the ‘share’ button, despite it being quite large and in charge in the upper corner of the screen.
Stage 5: The stage 5 clinger (literally)
Literally a second after posting the photo, Mum turns on me and accuses me – “Moya, why haven’t you liked my photo yet???”
UM MUM, BECAUSE MY PHONE WAS IN THE OTHER ROOM AND I’VE BEEN SITTING WITH YOU THIS ENTIRE TIME AND HAVEN’T HAD A CHANCE TO GET ON MY PHONE? Jeepers, is this what our relationship is going to be like now? She won’t get mad at me for leaving clothes everywhere, but instead she’ll hound me for not liking her Instagram photos quick enough?
Stage 6: The followed
Trying to find people for her to follow was also tricky. Mum is a Federer fanatic, so obviously he was the first follow (even before me). “Do you think he’ll notice me??” Out of his 3 million followers, I had to break it to Mum that I doubt she’d be seen. We then chucked a couple of likes to Federer fan pages so she could continue stalking the rest of his family. I also politely asked if she’d like to follow some of the Kardashians, which was met with a barked “NO”.
The tally currently stands at 33 following, to 1 follower (me). This statistic was highly displeasing for Mum, as apparently “celebrities have more followers than people they follow!!”
Mum. You are:
- 1. Not a celebrity
- 2. Not a celebrity
- 3. Not a celebrity.
Also, given the previous interrogation about privacy settings I’d received when making her account, you can imagine that it was actually mortifying to see that @yammy_8262 was now following her. The name itself was fine, but the fact that @yammy was wanting ‘HOT GIRLS!’ and advising people to ‘TAP BELOW FOR MORE HOT GIRLS’ resulted in ME giving Mum a lecture on stranger danger and actually reading bios before letting people follow you. Yes Mum, I know you clearly want Instafame, but people like @yammy aren’t going to give it to you.
Stage 7: Becoming too arrogant for your own good
Now that Mum has a solid following of 3 (me, and 2 of my friends) her popularity is off the charts. She has a record breaking 3 likes on her first pic, and she gives me a smug smile and nod and goes “pretty good”.
Yep Mum, pretty darn good.
P.S. If I don’t post again for a while, it’s probably because Mum has locked me in my room for not liking her post within 5 minutes.