Ahh yes the Oscars. That fabulous day I return from the joke that is my university degree to pretend that I’ve seen every movie this season.
I haven’t. I’ve seen La La Land (because as a 20-year-old white girl who has performed in at least 3 amateur musicals herself, of course I’ve seen La La Land.)
So anyway, I sat down (without snacks because I am so bloated from this surgery I already look like I’m eating for two three.) for the 89th Annual Academy Awards, and here’s what I thought.
1. Is it just me or is Justin Timberlake somehow less attractive this year?
Honestly I’m not sure if listening to my future husband Ryan Gosling attempt to sing jazz for one and a half hours has meant that I now do not like any male singers or if the audio was just off. Something about JT was not right today. Maybe because he became a sell-out and starred in a ridiculous children’s movie about woodland creatures or maybe it’s because I’ve finally admitted to myself that I am deeply attracted to his wife. Justin Timberlake: goodnight. Jessica Biel: Good morning.
2. Anwar from Skins is SO grown up.
Wow I remember when he was just a poor little British boy getting stoned dating his gay best mate’s stalker and falling for a Russian woodchopper’s wife. Also he was pretty good in that Slumdog Millionaire. He might be more attractive than JT right now. Should probably watch Lion actually.
3. Gosh, the Oscars is long.
I think Meryl is sleeping. I could have seen most of the nominated movies in the whole time I listened to Jimmy Kimmel pretend to be funny. It is much longer than Buzzfeed makes out.
5. Some women’s breasts are incredibly perky.
This probably comes from some internal bitterness I still hold on to for never actually going through puberty. But holy moly how do they get them so perfectly round and stuck up under their chins like that? Wowee. Note: This is not objectification, this is appreciation for Jannelle and the wonders of duct tape and nipple covers.
6. Viola Davis might be God.
She is actually even better in real life than she is in How To Get Away With Murder and that’s saying something because despite what everyone I know says; that is a fantastic show not just because hot Dean Thomas is in it.
7. IS THAT SARA BAREILLES AS IN LOVE SONG SARA BAREILLES?
Oh lord, my heart was not ready for this. Not for Rachel Green to come here and break my heart all over again.
8. Thank God I saw La La Land.
Whoops. Grateful for live TV and that blunder. I don’t know what I would talk about with the other
espresso-drinking /’i want to work in PR/ kookai wearing hard-hitting journalists at university otherwise. Now I don’t know about Moonlight, but La La Land was a great film. Apparently not best picture-worthy, but great nonetheless. Also I quite like Emma Stone. When they finally make a movie about my life (because they will), I want Emma Stone to play me.
9. No matter how many jokes we make, Trump is still president in real life.
I’m sorry, but that’s bloody terrifying.
10. Finally, Everything is better with Titanic
And no film will ever beat the masterpiece that is James Cameron’s epic.
Until next year,