Photo by Roberto Nickson
This blog is for anyone and everyone who has ever made excuses for their prickly legs.
Those of you who have the displeasure of seeing me on a regular basis will know that for
some time and by sometime I mean quite a long time okay almost three months. I’ve been affectionately referring to them as the black forest, however I think it that should be amended to a more accurate name; the forbidden forest. Because for some unknown reason I’ve forbidden myself from shaving them for the past three months.
My dad seems to think it’s some sort of hippie/vegan/feminist thing because I’ve also stopped shaving my armpits (over sharers anonymous, sorry) and burn incense from time to time Mind you, my loving father thinks yoga and crystal necklaces are a bit too ‘alternative’. And by alternative, I mean culty.
Anyway, I would like my legs to be as hairless as one of those disgusting, alien-looking cats your weird friend on Facebook is obsessed with for a lunch tomorrow.
So here go, you can enjoy the entire leg shaving experience with me. Like one of those beauty vloggers except without a white trash hyphenated name and bondi sands and those weird teeth-whitening dummies.
5pm – wet those legs
The water was cold. It took me at least 15 minutes to get to this point as I got distracted re-enacting Britney Spear’s Everytime film clip in my empty bath tub.
5.03pm – lather lather lather
Get some soap on those bad boys and lather them up. Lather it like the bleached blonde tatooed hairdresser who tells you about her side job as a dj lathers your hair with enough blue shampoo to turn you into a smurf. Lather like you’ve payed way to much for this haircut that you’ll probably hate.
5.05pm- start shaving that leg forest
I would like to point out at this point that I didn’t just use one of those orange bic razors that you get in a 20 pack at woolies for 5.99. I got some serious tools. They were all pink and purple with fancy handles and lubricating strips (sounds mildly unsettling but ok). The kind jennifer lopez shaves her legs with in commercials whilst speaking sexily telling me to release my inner goddess.
5.35pm- THIS IS SO MUCH HARDER THAN I EXPECTED
This is impossible. It keeps matting together like some kind of white fur rug you’d find for $16 at kmart. I have to go over each little bit about 20 times and the razor is clogged and my bath is filled with hair and the whole experience is rather overwhelming I’d like it to stop can I just be hairy forever.
5.57pm- It is finished.
They feel incredible. It’s full on Jasmine and Aladdin here. A whole new world of smoothness. So soft. like puppies. how did I allow myself to forget this feeling?
oh my I slipped into bed. And wowee. The sheets feel like silk. My legs feel like silk. Everything is silk. I am so overwhelmed.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their constant nagging and disgust at the usual state of my legs. I will enjoy this sleekness for ever.
At least until next winter.