*lets be honest, this is obviously going to contain spoilers*
This may come as a shock to you but I’m actually not a great friend. I’m the kind of friend who will make her girls drive 25 mins to her place for breakfast because I don’t like driving (don’t like is the polite way of saying I’m the world’s worst driver and I’ll do anything to avoid getting behind the wheel which includes claiming that a) im too tired and b) my jesus bobblehead is broken and I’m worried to be in the car if he is not there to take the wheel if necessary.
Laziness aside, I’m also the kind of friend that ruins TV shows for their friends. Yep, Gossip Girl. I ruined Gossip Girl for one of the nicest people in the world. Sorry Mel.
I’m kidding, it’s dan.
Kidding again. Anyway.
So I’ve been pretty heavily binging the past few months days lets be honest. And here’s what I’ve learned:
- I need to hang around richer people.
No but seriously, these people live in luxury and eat luxurious foods and wear luxurious clothes whereas I sit at home in my 4-year-old QANTAS pyjamas eating jatz and peanut butter, rolling my eyes at the multitude of fashion bloggers being paid to whiten their teeth.
- There is no bond more valuable than the one between a maid and her employer.
My cleaner is actually a lot like Dorota. Except she’s not polish. And she’s never helped me hide a pregnancy from the French royal family. Also she’s 68 and mainly just hides my anatomical inappropriate Italian fridge magnet calendar from me. I know she’s seen it. Maybe I should have bought her one back.
- There’s nothing better than a wedding.
Or five. Planning a wedding, attending a wedding, gatecrashing a wedding. Flowers, dresses, the occasional Panic at the Disco. All good. Please don’t tell my boyfriend. He was nervous enough as it was when I showed him the Pinterest board.
- Don’t wear shitty eyeliner.
Ugh Jenny. And Vanessa. Bloody Vanessa. They really just came in to ruin things. Everything. I will never forgive Little J for ruining the magical albeit emotionally manipulative relationship that is Chuck and Blair. And I’ll never forgive Vanessa for just being Vanessa. Don’t wear eyeliner. It looks tacky and people will cut you out. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to be a recurring character brought back into people’s lives when they run out of secret pregnancy/incest/cocaine related plot twists.
- I need gossip in my life.
I thought I’d escaped the nightmare that was private girls school. However, life is still filled with gossip. They might not be calling your friends “potential lesbians” behind the backs, but there are still enough rumours to fuel a new Beyoncé album release. Nowadays I mainly gossip about how much my uni lecturer tweets about her dogs and whether my 35-year-old neighbours are ever gonna grow up and stop drinking XXXX Gold whilst screaming Daryl Braithwaite and taking pictures of their genitals at 3 in the morning. Side note: I wonder if I can get a Braithwaite bobble-head. As long I can talk, I will gossip.
- Finally, never become romantically involved with your step-brother.
Good one S. Honestly I think this one goes without saying. But apparently Blake Lively can get away with everything including this and her sub-par acting in the entire series. Just saying. She’s rubbish. I love her, but quite frankly I’d rather have my childhood ruined all over again by watching Hilary Duff have an awkwardly staged three-way kiss with that guy from easy A and the eyeliner hippie than endure another Serena scene.
In other news apparently people love blogs. I do reveal secrets. Given, they are my own and they’re not really secrets because I tell practically every one every little detail from my life because I’m a chronic over sharer.
But yes, in many ways I am gossip girl.
Yes that’s it.
I am Dan Humphrey.
You know you love me,