The Ex Files

Photo by Samuel Zeller

As much as I like to pretend my life is a beautiful movie it’s becoming less and less The Notebook and more and more The Breakup (quite frankly, until he builds me a house, it’s just not worth it.)

I’ll be honest, I spent last Valentine’s Day at Vodafone, arguing with the manager about petty things like data usage. It was at that moment that I  realised I haven’t exactly had the most success in the boy department.

So with Feb 14th  coming up again we thought it would be well worth a trip to Godric’s Hollow  down memory lane.

So we present to you The Ex Files , a comprehensive list of all the boys you should avoid (and we should have avoided!).

1. The ‘too good to be true’.

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He’ll tell you he just wants to watch History channel documentaries with you and pretend to be one of those gross fitness couples and wear matching outfits to Ikea with you. You’re mildly infatuated with him after one week. He’s such a good friend. Which is ironic, seeing as though it turns out he’s sleeping with one of your good friends.

2. The ‘way too soon’.

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Three weeks into the relationship, he’ll tell you he loves you. It’ll probably be during happy hour on student night at the local club. Just in case you thought he was drunk, he’ll tell you again the next morning. He probably had a scrapbook with wedding ideas and everything.

 

3. The ‘bad boy’.

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everybody loves a rebel harry – GIPHY.com

He’s practically the Danny to your Sandy. You’re attracted to him because he’s older and has long hair and piercings and illegally downloads TV shows. Turns out he’s also into other illegal things. After 2.5 dates he’ll forget that you exist and will move on to someone a little less ‘sweet sixteen.’

4. The ‘my wallet is bigger than my heart’.

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He’s the boy that sweeps you off your fifteen year old feet and buys you flowers at every chance he gets. And then he buys you a giant panda. With an embroidered heart felt message. And then a silver bracelet, engraved. Five years later he’ll get his new girlfriend a duck. A real live duck.

5. The ‘weird one’.

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I have tried to think of other ways to encapsulate this certain type of boy, but to be honest, he’s just plain weird. He’s the one who you’re not sure if you’re going on a date with them, but once you do, he produces receipts with your name on them (an inside joke taken way too far.)

6. The ‘clingy one’. 

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He’s the one you have a drunken hook up with and then he keeps messaging you again. And again. And 7 times more. Even after you’ve bailed on him each time because you have work/appointments/funerals/Lincraft errands to run for your mum.

7. The ‘original f**kboy’.

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There is so much sexual tension with this boy it’s unreal. You have a budding Snapchat relationship with him. He’s clearly interested but each time he comes to the city he seems to ‘forget’ to message you/charge his phone/connect to the internet. Even though you see all his photos of him and his Victoria’s Secret groupies on Instagram. Apparently he’s interested in anything that moves. But he keeps you hanging on. For years. Finally when you’re all grown up (and not to mention looking super tanned from your recent trip to Africa), he sends you the message; “I’m coming to see you, tomorrow.” And he does. He sees you. And it’s crap. There’s no rush of emotion. No chemistry. No sexual tension. No nothing. He’s not even a good kisser. He’s probably spent the past year spending all of his money on more Stussy shirts and snapbacks and the entire Culture Kings store and a better quality camera for his nudes.

This Valentines Day, we’re taking an oath. Although it may have been written by Bridget Jones in a completely fictional movie, we’re starting to realise it’s not bad advice.

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Between now and next Valentines Day; ““I will not fall for any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, people with girlfriends or wives, misogynists, megalomanics, chauvists, emotional fuckwits or freeloaders, perverts.”

Experience tells us that most of you have probably had the misfortune of getting your heart broken by any number of our seven deadly sins exes.

All our love,

-Liz and Moy

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