Photo by Mikael Kristenson
Hay everyone – so yes, I joined the members of Melbourne’s elitist last Thursday when I donned a sensible headpiece, stupidly high heels, and a nice frock to join in an afternoon of well-mannered frivolity.
I’ve never actually been to the races before, frankly because I had more important things on my agenda #school, #life, but this year I threw caution to the wind because this free roaming uni student had nothing better to do than to spend a day ‘foaling’ around with people pretending to be a lot more pretentious than they actually were. Me included.
The day begun with a slight wardrobe malfunction (bear with me as I’m about to overshare in typical Moya style) – ladies put your hand up if you’ve ever been personally victimised by a strapless dress?
I thought I had the perfect solution, surely Hollywood tape would work wonders. However, alas, the dress was too heavy for the little pieces of tape and I had to surrender to the idea that I would walk around all day with a) underarm fat spilling out from the armpit vagina, and b) having to pull up my dress every 2.44 seconds for fear that I would nip slip and my little 8 year old boy breasts would be on show for the world to see.
That aside, hair and makeup processes went quite well. I’d like to thank me for the too heavy eye makeup which made me look like someone had kinghit my eye, me for the great hair that fell out the minute I got there, Zimmerman for the dress but really David Jones was the real MVP here as it allowed me to save about $300 (no joke) when I bought it on sale #stingyasian, Windsor Smith for the shoes and the blisters and the shin splints, Lizzie for the Mimco clutch (she gave it to me for my birthday #bestpresenteva), and the random little stall on a street in Athens for the head wear. Safe to say I did Oaks Day on a budget.
The train ride to Flemington was nothing short of a party on a train. As we tightly crammed into the train, the exotic smells of sweaty body odour, Daisy by Marc Jacobs and overpowering Lynx wafted out. I accidentally caressed the buttocks of about 3 women in my attempt to stay upright on the jerky train and perform the above mentioned dress hoick to keep my dress from falling to my nether regions. By the time we got to Flemington I was very happy to get off the train.
At this stage I’d like to point out that Melbourne weather was even more hormonal than Kourtney Kardashian while she’s pregnant. In the morning, it was grey, rain was pouring down and it looked semi-monsoonal. On the train, Mum and I got very excited as it looked like it was blue sky and sunshine outside! When we arrived at Flemington, the sun was still beaming and the weather gods were on our side. The sun was actually so hot that I was sweating under my layers of caked on make up. Nothing like some sweat stained cake face am I right?!
And yes, I did have my one celebrity sighting of the day, Richie (where the community benefits) from the Bachelorette. On our single date we frolicked among the roses at Flemington, drank some wine at a strategically placed magic sex couch and nibbled on some cheese. As we bid farewell, he whispered those magic few words to me:
Note: he actually kept his sunglasses on because he was just blinded by my stunning good looks.
The day progressed and so did Melbourne weather. Boy oh boy did it turn gloomy – fog settled over and it absolutely started bucketing. The rain just kept falling like my tears did during exam week. There seemed to be no end to this tortuous Melbourne downpour – and so the name ‘sOaks Day’ was coined.
Like any normal person during this time, I turned to alcohol for comfort. I downed my drink on an empty stomach and let the queasiness and Asian flush begin, because nothing says ‘Melbourne’s elite’ like a sneaky vom at the races. (Just to clarify, this didn’t actually happen. Plz I have a bit more dignity than that).
Just as people were starting to go a little loopy huddled under the pavilion, a miracle happened. The clouds opened up and the tiniest bit of sun peeped through. The rain was clearing! Blue skies were returning! Melbourne’s shitstorm weather could always be depended upon!!
We traipsed back out into the main area for some more fun (and I was on the look for more alcohol). Unfortunately, the rain had further saturated the ground and walking on the grass was more like swimming through a swamp. It was thick, gluggy, and the mud was every girl’s nightmare as it seeped into our shoes and mixed with the fake tan to make everyone’s feet look like they had some nasty skin disease.
At this stage it was clearly time for alcoholz number 2, so I got a delicious frozen appletini which did wonders for my thirst but nightmares for my brain freeze. Little did I know it would also do horrors for my head as the train ride home was NOT pleasant due to a thumping head. I really take light weight to a whole new level. Another drink and I would have joined this lady on her run:
All in all, it was a really fun day. I watched about 3 races in total and officially placed myself in the class of peoples who go to the races to ‘socialise’.
‘Maybe she’s barn with it, maybe it’s neighbelline.’
PS: I apologise to everyone for the ridiculous horse puns I chucked in there, I just couldn’t rein myself in.