Photo by Jaime Street
You’ll not regret taking breakup advice from me. I have been in at least 1.5 mildly serious relationships and have just watched
four five straight seasons of Sex and the City. I’m an expert in curing the achey breaky heart. Here are my expert tips on how to get over losing bae.
1. Cry You A River.
This may in fact be the only occasion in your life that allows for a full scale breakdown involving many, many, ugly kim Kardashian crying faces. Take full advantage of this. Enjoy looking at your pathetic tear stained face in the mirror as you try and convince yourself you’re ok.
2. Eat Your Feelings.
I like to play a game called “how much can I eat before I self-induce diabetes?” Having your heart broken is the perfect excuse to eat all the food you’ve been wanting to eat every other day. It’s okay to make cookie dough for the sole purpose of consuming it before actually baking. Embrace it, but don’t let this phase last too long as you’ll only hate yourself more when you start your “Get a hot rebound bod” phase.
3. Invite Your Squad Over.
Surround yourself with people who will take you shopping so they can listen to your emotional story telling and take your side no matter how ridiculous you know you’re being. Note – these are also the people who will drive to your house immediately after the breakup and raid your cupboards before helping you consume all five of the chocolate muffins your mum strictly told you to leave for visitors.
4. Get Rid Of Everything That Reminds You Of Him
Laugh at the irony as the flowers he gave you begin to die. Enjoy (with tears) the exact moment when you realise the flowers have completely turned to shit (just like your relationship) and in ritualistic fashion, throw these in the bin.
As much you deny it – you know you need it. Begin drinking because you’re upset, and then when you get angry at him, drink again when you feel like you’re over it, and have a bit more so you feel like a cheeky rebound is a good idea. Finally, stop drinking when you think you should call him despite it being 2.46 am.
6. Accept The Inevitable:
No, you are not Rachel. He is not Ross. Nor are you the Allie to his Noah. Years later, when you are engaged to a handsome army general you will not see his picture in the paper. You will not – despite your engagement – drive to the house he built and kiss him in the rain and make sweet love to him in front of the fire. He certainly did not write you every day for a year (most likely because his handwriting is fucking appalling). It was over. It still is over. Whilst you will want to be friends, you won’t be. And that’s ok.
If All Else Fails:
Lather. Wash. Rinse and Repeat.
Because if your relationship didn’t work, Bradley Coopers might not either, and then you and him can be together 5eva.