How to Uni Student 101

Photo by Tim Gouw

So this year I have further advanced my attempts at getting an education by pursuing my tertiary studies. In other words, I’ve joined the ranks of the masses of uni students who attempt to save some $$ at the supermarket/cinema/everywhere by flashing their ugly ID cards.

Over my past 12 weeks of being a struggling jaffy (just another fucking first year), I have observed many behaviours in my daily habitat which led me to the formulation of this post: How to Uni Student 101.
Following this guide will be sure to have you blend in officially with the ‘uni crowd’.

  1. Clothing. Now, after finishing 14 years at a private school (#pretentiouswanker) where school uniforms were a necessity, you might think it be quite liberating to be able to wear whatever you damn well please to uni. WRONG. Every day brings the vicious struggle of having to figure out what to wear. Luckily, I have put together a mini style-guide, as there appears to be an unspoken code for what the appropriate attire is for girls:
  • Some form of Nike shoes – roshes, maxes, free runs. On the alternative day when you don’t want to look like you’re running a marathon, you can also opt to wear Birkenstocks and look like a lesbian.
  • 2XU skins or whatever form of pretentious running pants take your fancy. Note, the leggings aren’t actually for running, you just have to wear them.IMG_9699
  • A grey hoodie
  • North Face vest, that will do a terrible job of keeping your poor arms warm
  • A Herschel Backpack that provides excellent back support
  • MacBook – the cleaner and more pristine the better, as this will garner respect among your peers
  • VOSS water, because you must constantly walk around with the fear that your water bottle will shatter into a million pieces
  • An appropriate amount of hand bling, constituting of your Marc Jacobs watch and Pandora rings which is definitely very practical for a day of studying
  1. Always have your iPhone handy because in the situation that you have no friends, your phone will become your friend as you pretend to fake text/call/snapchat/facebook your real ‘friends’. This gives the allusion that you are actually more popular than you seem, as you sit alone on the park bench.
  2. Get lost on campus. You have to accept that it is an inevitable fact that you will spend many hours aimlessly wandering around campus, as you attempt to find a building which name suggests you are walking into a MI7 secret lab. If, like me, you are prone to getting lost quite regularly, I suggest practicing a poker face, so that when you are lost, at least you don’t appear it otherwise you will look like ‘a lost Asian tourist’.
  3. Complain about how poor you are. No matter how much you have worked in the summer holidays, going to uni everyday will suddenly become disastrous for your bank account. The enticing smell of hot food, the alluring sounds of the music pumping from the convenience store and the general constant sugar cravings will not only be terrible for your hips, but also for your wallet.
  4. Try to mooch as much free food as possible. Particularly during O-Week, and the first few weeks of uni, when every single society is wanting you to join their club. They understand that the best way to lure naïve students in is by free food. I scored free icecream from a lunch that the commerce society was running, and I can’t even tell the difference between an asset and a liability. Free food is free food, and no damn person will deny me of that right.
  5. Make a series of excellent life choices, such as free alcohol. Who said it was a bad idea to drink before a lecture? I haven’t heard of any commandments preaching that ‘thou shall not ping in a lecture’, therefore, why not. It certainly makes lectures 100 times more interesting.
  6. I feel obliged here to say at least something about the parties, but seeing as I’m underage and a law abiding citizen, I have no experience of these whatsoever. They do happen quite frequently though, as a depressing scroll of my Instgram and Facebook newsfeed every Sunday night reveals.
  7. Master the art of tuning out. It is legit a fact that you will tune out of 40-90% of your lecture. However, to avoid getting condescending looks from some know-it-alls in your course, on the outside, you need to appear focused. On the inside, let your mind wander onto more important issues such as what you’re going to eat for lunch. Or alternatively, attempt to supress laughs as your friend next to you scrolls through Best of Tumblr pics.
  8. Accept the fact that assessments are a living embodiment of Satan. They will hit you, slowly, and then all at once. They will also most likely fall within one week to guarantee you a week of absolute torture, inappropriate amounts of coffee, and 2am bed times. You will want to have a breakdown and you know what the best thing about uni is? No one will even give a damn. You won’t even have a teacher you can go crying to and drink tea in their office with as they provide soothing words of advice.
  9. Last but not least, MAKE FRIENDS. Uni gives you a chance to break free of the little bubble of your high school and meet some new people! It’ll take you a little while to sort through the hideous people, the annoying ‘I think I’m a lawyer already after I’ve had 12 weeks of law school’, the popular ‘clique’ and then finally find a small circle of people whom you hope to consider your ‘friends’.

Follow this very accurate guide, and I guarantee you’ll be a typical uni student in no time.

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