50 shades of grey (literally)

Photo by Dmitri Popov

Alright, so I finally caved and watched the most hyped up movie of the year….50 Shades of Grey. It was one of those movies where because there was so much hype and identity around it, I felt compelled to see it. So upon discovering that I could actually see it legally (it was rated MA15+, not R18+ as I first thought) my gal pal and I hit up the cinemas.

Even telling people we were seeing Fiddy Shades of Grey elicited responses – when our waiter at dinner asked what movie we were seeing and my friend and I exchanged a guilty glance, that was all it took for him to start immediately overtly judging us, and then he kept coming back to our table asking us if we needed anything…..some more ice cream, some snacks, a condom?


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So then the movie started. Let me set the scene: my friend and I, full with pancakes and ice cream and regret made ourselves comfy. To our right, a middle aged couple in their 50’s. To our left, a mother with her children. As the opening credits cascaded across the screen, a burp was belched from behind us. To say the setting was romantic would be an understatement.

I will not give you a running commentary on what I thought the movie was like because this was it:

Intense eye contact.
Lip biting.
Anastasia looking confused.
Me getting confused by the mere fact that Anastasia is using a NOKIA FLIP PHONE IN 2015.
Camera shots on Mr Grey’s impressive tie collection.
Mr Grey getting turned on by Anastasia’s lip biting, so then she ends up gnawing her lip violently for half the movie.
A sex scene.
Anastasia doing some heavy heavy breathing that I think is supposed to be arousing, but it actually sounds like she needs an asthma puffer.
Sex scene.
Heavy breathing.
More lip biting/chewing (is this the homage to Twilight?).

Sorry, I really should have said ‘SPOILER ALERT’ before you read this, but that actually implies that there was a storyline to spoil. There was actually no substance to this movie. In a word: UNDERWHELMING. It was neither arousing, nor shocking, nor exciting, or anything for that matter! So in that light, I think I think ’50 Shades of Grey’ is an excellent title, because the movie was so bland, grey, boring, and about as exciting as finding 50 different shades of the colour grey.

So, although I thoroughly did not enjoy the movie – I’m glad I saw it, because it has become such a thing in pop culture right now. I’m glad that I can put my opinion forward when someone asks me what I thought of 50 Shades of Grey, because currently, my Anastasia impression of lip biting and heavy breathing is inspiring me to pursue a career in standup comedy.

As I part, I leave with you the words of Michael Jackson – ‘it doesn’t matter if you’re black or white’ but srsly if you’re grey, get out. (you don’t even go here!)


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